Malaysia - Our Country Our Pride (pt1)

Malaysia, also known as Bolehland.
Most foreigners are having difficulty adjusting to this new timezone as they tend to show up 1 or 2 hours earlier than the local counterparts. The nation is moving forward with a vision as a collective community towards the vision of becoming a developed nation by the year 2020.

1) Transportation in Malaysia

The best way to get around Malaysia is by car. This is because the petrol is dirt cheap. Car in Malaysia is the cheapest in the entire universe. Even the Sing-gay-poh-rian have to drive all the way north to JB just to refill their tank for half the price compared to their own minute country. This proves that Malaysians are rich and not poor unlike what the Western Media says. Chinese Malaysians will spend insane amounts of money to buy numbers like 1,5,7,8,9, and the letter C for their license plates and the recent most expensive car plate number starting with TAN XXXX cost RM200,000 (Yes, five zeros behind im not kidding but RM200,000 is worth USD 0.01). This brings good fart and protection from God when doing stunts like following a petrol tanker at 0.005463 meters and at 80kmh, driving at the speed of light, and overtaking dangerously. If accident happens, it means you didn't have enough number 8 on your license plate... so bad luck for you lor!

Highways and Lowways (and their friggin' tolls all the way)
Mr. Samy (who is supposed to be in Lunas but nowhere to be seen there, strange) is the one contributing to all the tolls around the tapioca-shaped country. All he needs to do is just say "We need tolls. Lots of them." and SWISH, tolls will pop up like toadstools (not mushrooms, because they were all kidnapped to some game with some lunatic plumber in it; who is actually Josef Stalin in disguise) after the bloody monsoon rain. Mr. Samy(an apprentice of Donald Trump-the hair oh the hair!!!) is now officially worshipped as The Satu, with his temple built in Lunas (as expected) in order to commemorate his efforts to conquer the Highway Maytricks, but he's still nowhere to be seen in Lunas. And strangely enough, ANY kind of road is suitable to become a Highway, including those roads that are nicknamed 'Ulu-Ulu Road' (though it's much more suitable to be called a Lowway but crap, this is Malaysia and Malaysia Boleh!). A road made for cows to walk on will suddenly become a highway within a day, and there will be tolls every 5 KM on it for some apparent reason left for everyone not stupid enough to figure it out. It is widely believed that Malaysian highways will improve significantly, as soon as someone figures out a way to keep Singaporeans from crossing the border and acting like they are in the Monaco Gran Prix.

Mr. Samy is also well known for his creation of a recent landmark in Malaysia - specially cracked MRR 2 bridge in Kepong. Local tourism soared since then, tourists from all over the world drop by to admire at our engineering at its best - how to design a cracked bridge that everyday commuters can use unsuspiciously and this is very good news in conjunction with Visit Malaysia Year 2007. Which is why Malaysians are encouraged to pay more tolls to sustain this development with the recent 700% increment in toll rates. This also sparks a new era for Malaysian construction industry, they can now replace conventional dull and unattractive concrete with the one with cracks all over to make it not so eye sore. This saves costs for the taukehs and datuks and their extra duit kopi can now be spent on their new BMWs(Be My Whores) or bungalows that will show Malaysia is just like a first world country.

Vehicle purchasing schemes are super-flexible in Malaysia. You can purchase a vehicle and opt for no signal lights, fixed high beam headlight, no wiper, reconditioned lorry horn unit for optimum performance and few others. Schemes are revised yearly by Proton and Pro-Duck, the two national car bakers, to suit market demand. Failure to use blinkers and sudden lane change when driving is not an offense. Pedestrian failing to see oncoming vehicle and getting hit can be charged in court

Jam Industry
One of Malaysia's famous side-products is the traffic-flavored jam. Thanks to the local government who molded roads in strange various ways, it is deemed common to find the production of this uniquely-flavored jam at any part of this monkey half-island, and normally between the twin peak hours of morning and evening (which is determined by the position and angle of the Twin Peak Towers on the surface of Earth against the Moon and the Sun and the whole universe whaddaheck). Unfortunately the government wasn't genius enough to think of the idea of exporting this kind of jam, because the only market they'd thought of is the local market. The phrase 'stuck in a jam' normally refers to the local people who enjoyed bathing in the jam and honking all around to exclaim how tasty the traffic-flavored jam is. Surveys report that quite a number of tourists enjoyed this jam more than the Durian (which was actually the main material to make stinkbombs used during the Holy Party Wars and the upcoming Neighborhood Wars), in which they will go around expressing their delight with 'heart-felt swearing'. Despite its growing popularity, it remains second best behind the controversial Blackcurrant concoction used to make smatijoves. Oh well, that's all you can really say about them anyway. walaoeh

Accidents
If you happen to see a car hit a motorcycle, quickly stop your car and stand there to watch, to see whether the biker died or still alive, make sure you join the crowd, watch and talk rubbish as if you care and helpful (even though you don't give a shit). Those who can't stop their cars can always slow down, stare at peoples, and say "Waaa nowadays very dangerous, drivers are so careless...". You have to do this, otherwise you are not Malaysian. Last but not least make sure you copy down the number plates for 4D, the more serious the accident the better.